Good Grief
A cat, some tears, a lesson, and more tears.
Don’t worry. The cat doesn’t die.
But i’m still saying goodbye.
I’m still sad as shit.
But I’m also happy.
Kinda.
At least compared to normal Jamie standards.
Here are some examples of Jamie standards when it comes to goodbyes!
My first girlfriend cheated on me then dumped me. I dropped to my knees in the middle of the street screaming “NOOOOOOOO!” as she drove away.
I didn’t go to my grandmas funeral.
The first funeral I DID GO TO was for my cousin Bruce. I cried so hard his family kept turning around to console me. At the dinner afterwards a whisper campaign broke out. “Who was that kid? I don’t think he even knew Bruce.”
I indeed did not know Bruce.
At Robin Williams funeral I had a panic attack when I saw Danny Devito (COME TO MY EDINBURGH FRINGE SHOW TO HEAR THAT STORY! HELL YEAH SELF PROMOTION.)
Anyway, I don’t take loss well. I have had too much of it and it breaks my heart every time. It’s like…I know in Lilo and Stitch Stitch is gonna be ok, but god damnit, when he pulls out that Ugly Duckling book….I don’t want to talk about it.
Animals hit me the hardest. For example, I lost this cat because of a breakup and this piece is not about my ex, who is a human. (She is a great human and yes I am sad. BUT CATS YALL!)
One time, after a breakup in my 20’s, my first thought was, “Well now at least I will never know if our cats die and can pretend they lived forever. This is for the best.”
AND THIS CAT, this little dude, Cozzy Bear (her name was Cozlina which was stupid so my ex and I changed it to honor her past, and to honor the muppets. Obviously.) This little dude was the best of all of them. The best of all of us.
No personal space, loud as fuck, a literal maniac, and if I write more I will start sobbing and I have finally stopped sobbing. She was my best buddy and made me laugh from the second I woke up/she woke me up. It was like living with a beautiful princess but also an old man who doesn’t take shit.
But what I learned was this: Grief doesn’t hurt as much when you don’t hate yourself.
Crying is not a bad thing. Grieving is not a bad thing (MEN I AM TALKING TO THE MEN). Buddhists talk about how there is a difference between pain and suffering.
Pain is, “I lost my cat, I am crying cause my cat rules.”
Suffering is, “I lost my cat, I always lose things I love, I lose things I love cause I’m not lovable, I know what will fix this, IM GONNA START GAMBLING”, etc etc.
I have never cried more in my life than last week. And it’s cause I let myself. I let myself just be fucking sad. I didn’t go to vices, I didn’t create stories, I looked on the bright side as they say. It was insane. I would go from crying to laughing. Because I wasn’t filling the gaps with stories of how much I suck I could actually actualize the fact that I was crying cause I loved her SO MUCH.
And what a fucking gift that is.
I improved my life during this time! That has never fucking happened!
I went from meditating 20 minutes a day to over 3hrs (thanks Elena Brower ). If there is any part of you that thinks that’s avoidance, please remember little Cozzie Bears views on personal space.
The meditation bell would ring, I would hear “PLOP” from the other room, then tiny footsteps running as fast as her little body would take her. She would leap up onto my lap, contort into my crossed legs making them a bed, then loudly snore for the entire meditation. A little cat mudra symbolizing pure love. And last week also symbolizing loss.
I would focus on the breath, then cry, then laugh, then sit upright, then would wake her up, then she would look pissed, then I would laugh, then cry etc.
It was beautiful.
I decided to go vegan again (I have been vegetarian) but I wanted to do something to honor her and animals (even though she is a little fish killing monster) I am sticking with the meditation, I am using the freedom I have from the breakup not to dive into another relationship but to make more art, to take more walks, to say hi to more dogs, to just love myself better.
I love you guys as well. It’s been nice getting off instagram and writing for a smaller audience. I’m kinda refusing to do the marketing i’m supposed to build this thing but if it meant anything to you feel free to share it.
This is also the last time I will be available for private coaching so hit me up if into it, and for everyone else you will never hear me talk about it again!
Yay/sob
Jamie