My attempt to get a Christian book deal.
A CHAPTER WRITTEN IN ORDER TO SELL THIS BOOK -
Hello potential buyers of this book! My name is Jamie Kilstein and I am a writer and comedian in need of money for food and shelter.
Over the last year of writing book proposals, I have come to the horrifying realization that I may not be what you people call, “marketable”. I also may not be “mentally well” or “stable”, as some have said.
You may have even shouted to an unpaid intern, “Why does he keep calling?” or “Did you tell him we passed?” and maybe even, “Let’s just call the police and end this.”
But today that all changes!
I understand where you are coming from. I’m niche-popular at best. Most of the people who like me are more likely to steal this book than buy it or review it on Good Reads.
No one is looking for a book written by someone who doesn’t know how to get popular on TikTok. I don’t know how Mark Twain and those other old gross authors did it!
If Virgina Wolff were alive today, she would probably still be dead after drowning herself for not understanding what Instagram wants in the new reel algorithm.
Which brings me to the elephant in the room.
Jesus.
I have a lot to say about that guy. The problem is it doesn’t really fit neatly into a box. I’m not trying to be edgy by saying that. Trust me. I WISH I fit into a box. Put a box over me for the love of God at least then I’ll stop getting rained on.
I’m not trying to be dangerous by saying that either.
I’m just saying I’m a little hard to market. I curse too much for the Christians, I’m too Christian for the liberals, I’m too bleeding heart for the conservatives, I’m too churchy for the comedians, and I’m too inappropriate to open for Brandon Lake and his STUNNING hair.
Now, in my stupid artist head, I think that's EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULD BUY A BOOK FROM ME. It is literally something that has never been done before!
But I’m probably just hungry and thinking crazy.
So look —
My relationship with Jesus is complicated. He’s cool. I love him. I try to accept that he loves me too. But I also have problems with the Church.
Sometimes I feel as though being a Christian has actually made my life harder. But that kinda talk doesn’t sell books!
No one buys the book called, “I’ll give up porn tomorrow!”
We buy books from people who are better than us! And better than us I am not.
While my book might be relatable and bring maybe one new person to Jesus, THAT DOESN’T GET ME A BESTSELLER THAT WILL ONE DAY BE MADE INTO AN AMAZON PRIME SERIES!
So what do we do?
At first, I was going to pitch you, dear publisher, Christian titles that I could just have AI find. Such as…
The Gay Problem.
Getting My Virginity Back.
Should Women Be Pastors? No.
The Woman Problem.
Buddhists: The New Devil.
And so on.
But we are already too divided. This is why I wanted to write my stupid fucking grey area book that will never sell and probably put you out of business.
But then I realized, the mainstream (dumb people) don’t want a book by someone who is figuring things out.
They want someone that, for a shockingly small advance, I can pretend to be! Someone who hears directly from God and is right ALL THE TIME!
So I now present my sample chapter for the soon to be Christian best selling author Jamie Kilstein (we can change the last name if it sounds too Jew-y.)
Soldier of God .
By Jamie Kilstein - Christian. (Partial Sample Chapter)
My daddy was a pastor but it was my mamma who taught me about Jesus.
If I were to describe myself to say, a casting agent from Amazon Prime, I would say Chris Pratt meets Charlie Day.
We grew up poor just like you. Although some people like the Census Bureau call it upper middle class bordering on very wealthy.
God may just love me a little more than you, and that’s OK! Cause I will guide you, yes you, on how to be a SOLDIER OF GOD ™ and get lots of money, beautiful WOMAN, and the kind of disconcerting self-confidence that no man should have.
This book will teach you how to get God to finally love you.
As I type this I am blessed enough to be looking at my family. They love to silently watch daddy type for the lord while they pray over me. They don’t do anything one would expect a small child like, talk, play, or move. Praise Jesus.
If you are wondering how I raise these children then look out for my upcoming book. “Parenting for the Lord. How to raise your own ‘lil soldiers of God’.”
My wife and I have a story as old as the church. Maybe similar to you and your partner.
We met when we were 9 years old, waited till we were 17 to marry, and now at 22 we have 5 children. Madison, Madison, Madison, Paul, and an adopted child who’s name must remain secret so the warlords we saved him from will not find him.
Madison 2’s first words were an entire Psalm.
Pauls first words were "Let me serve for Christ."
And our secret child's first words were an entire short story about his parents not being warlords and why are these white people taking me (?) and something about wanting to go home. He's our creative.
I wrote this book for the reason you would expect. I heard from the Holy Spirit to GO MAKE MONEY! So I did!
Things just kinda always work out for me.
In this book, I will guide you on how to have the perfect Christ-centered relationship.
If you are still single, don’t worry! Chapter 20 is for you! It’s called, “What if my life is doomed ‘cause I didn’t meet my wife when I was 9?”
I’ll teach you how to hear God and ALWAYS be right.
How to COLD PLUNGE (for the lord)
Why God would be KETO.
And more!
So join me on this journey as I reveal all of my secrets on how you can make every season the best season of your life.